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ALL THE MOVIES I SAW AND FORGOT TO REVIEW

Me when I should be writing reviews^ Alright I got a bit lazy and stopped writing reviews but I kinda wanna pick this up as it was a bit of a laugh and I’m still of to the cinema big time and seeing stuff so I’m gonna do a speed run reviewing all the stuff I’ve seen (that I can remember). Oppenheimer (2023) IT WAS LIT! He blew up a big bomb but then felt really bad about it. But I’m raging because beforehand people said you would see his dick and we didn’t see Oppenheimers dick. We did see some boobs and bums but I was promised his dick. 9/10. Barbie (2023) I sang I’m just Ken in the shower for a week. It was funny, well performed and well written. There was one rant that didn’t really land at one point, and there was no need for Will Ferrells character to exist in this movie. 8/10. Haunted Mansion (2023) Utterly forgettable, why didn’t you release this in October? 2/10. A Haunting in Venice (2023) I poo’d my pants! It was much better than someone’s bloody died on the Nile. I had fun a...
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69 (2023)

  Ok so disclaimer I watched this on a plane lol. But I promise I was locked in! Gave it my full attention and didn't let my opinion be affected by the actual human shit that was my in-flight meal. Okay so bloody ages ago, an alien humanoid species (just humans tbh) do some travelling about and Adam Driver is one of them but then oh no they got asteroided out of space and crash land on earth but Christ on a bike it's during dinosaur times. It was really nice to watch a film about dinosaurs without Jurassic being in the title, I'm gonna start there. Adam Driver and a young girl (not his daughter) are the only survivors. His real daughter is dead, which is sad. It's also sad that Adam Driver is a bit stressed in this film for all of it, bloody dinosaurs all over the place, pricks. The young girl is annoying but real young girls are annoying so I guess that's a good acting job? She also doesn't speak English, so has a hard time communicating with ol' Adam. Adam...
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No Hard Feelings (eww) (2023)

  Eww. This film made me feel icky. It feels like the kind of film that should've been made in like 1999 before we realised this kind of stuff is a bit problematic. The film feels like it was written by a 55 year old man that wants to be down with the kids. Bloody helicopter parents am I right! God all these computers are ruining young lads, they can't even socialise or talk to a girl! Alright so the plot of the movie is this- this loser geek nerd guy's parents decide to give a car to any girl that will date this pathetic man for a summer before he goes to uni so he can learn to get some pussy. No I'm not kidding. Jennifer Lawrence says yeah ok I'll do it, but the loser doesn't know about this plan so goes to where he volunteers and hits on him, she gives him a lift home and he sprays her with mace because he thinks she is going to rape him. HAHAHA! Isn't it so funny that a guy could think a girl would be a threat? Sex crimes don't happen to men! How sil...
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Spiderman: Across The Spiderverse (2023) Made Me Love Movies Again

  After the Flash (2023) stole my pancreas in the night, Spider-Man All Over the Bloody Place undertook emergency surgery and replaced it for me. I watched these movies back to back in the cinema like an absolute lunatic, and good lord the contrast was really visible. How to actually make a multiverse movie (Spider-Man) Vs how to break into Dan's house and steal his pancreas (The Floosh). Spider-Man nails the balance of wow look at all these universe's and oh but let's tell a story that human beings can actually relate to. Gwen's relationship with her father and Miles' relationship with his parents really hits home that sense we all get between wanting to go and be our own people whilst also respecting and being there for the parental figures that love and raise us. Ultimately, Miles thinks he is choosing his father's life over everything, and still can't bear the idea of letting him die. Even if it is a "canon event". Which is clearly nonsense by ...
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The Flash (2023) Stole My Love for Movies

  I'm absolutely raging lads. The Flash (2023) is the worst thing I've ever seen. The Flash broke into my house and stole my pancreas. The Flash hit me with it's car. The Flash punched me in the balls. The Flash stole my love for movies. The Flash is a 1/10. This is an evil movie that should be in prison. SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE FLASH IF YOU GIVE A SHIT WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T! FUUUUUUCK the Flash. Where the hell do I begin? I'll tell you what, let's start at the beginning. So the Flash starts with a stupid nonsense action scene with horrific, disgusting CGI babies that the Flash saves with the power of ignoring the rules of his powers (the babies should all be dead). We see Ben Afflecks Batman in a chase scene. Hey wait a second? Why is Batman dumb? Why use the Flash in building maintenance and strategic thinking and Batman in a chase? Isn't the Flash fast? Isn't Batman smart? Apparently not. Cool. Wonder Woman shows up and awkward sex jokes proceed. "H...
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Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3: Let's All Adopt Raccoons

God Marvel has been making me sad lately. All this multiverse stuff has... Quite frankly sucked. Well, that's harsh, it's been up and down. I'm really happy to say this movie is an up, and doesn't touch any of that multiverse stuff, which I'm really grateful for. Look full disclosure I saw this movie ages ago and am catching up on my reviews, and I feel guilty for somewhat half arsing this review as it was a really good movie! Hang on, this is going to be a bit of a mad one, so let's just say... Guardians volume 3 is an 8/10! SPOILER TIME ALREADY?! DAN YOU HAVE STOPPED CARING! Okay okay let's try and have a chat about this. A month later after seeing this movie and I still remember it quite well. That's a good sign right?! Usually movies go in and out of me like an iced coffee, quickly. But Guardians stuck with me, because I do love these characters, they're so great. Rocket spends most the film doing a snooze, but it gives us time to really focus on...
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Evil Dead Rise: Mom Seems A Bit Off (2023)

  If you're looking to do a big poop in your pants, boy have I got the film for you. Evil Dead Rise is great, maybe the best modern horror movie I've ever seen? That may be a bit dramatic, I dunno, but I loved it. It's absolutely hardcore right out the gate and I was sat like cheese and crackers am I spooped right now. It's not a jumpscare fest, it's just really messed up man, the way good horror should be. The other Evil Dead stuff isn't essential viewing, but it'd probably help a bit. I saw the original and the sequel before seeing this, and have also heard bits and pieces about it from other places. It's hard to talk about any of this without spoiling stuff, but I'm going to say that the actress playing the mom (dual role as nice mom and rude mom) deserves the biggest props of the movie. She's so good. I feel very hopeful about future Evil Dead stuff, I think it's a fascinating lore with tons of potential. This movie uses horror to explore...
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