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The Flash (2023) Stole My Love for Movies

 

I'm absolutely raging lads.

The Flash (2023) is the worst thing I've ever seen. The Flash broke into my house and stole my pancreas. The Flash hit me with it's car. The Flash punched me in the balls. The Flash stole my love for movies.

The Flash is a 1/10. This is an evil movie that should be in prison.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE FLASH IF YOU GIVE A SHIT WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T!

FUUUUUUCK the Flash. Where the hell do I begin?

I'll tell you what, let's start at the beginning. So the Flash starts with a stupid nonsense action scene with horrific, disgusting CGI babies that the Flash saves with the power of ignoring the rules of his powers (the babies should all be dead). We see Ben Afflecks Batman in a chase scene. Hey wait a second? Why is Batman dumb? Why use the Flash in building maintenance and strategic thinking and Batman in a chase? Isn't the Flash fast? Isn't Batman smart? Apparently not. Cool.

Wonder Woman shows up and awkward sex jokes proceed. "Hehe I know what sex but I haven't had it". Shut up. Also the lasso of truth seems to have the same problem as the 1990's film Liar Liar, just because you have to tell the truth doesn't mean you just verbally vomit whatever "comedy" is in your brain, unless you're asked. Oh by the way Liar Liar is a great film and this film is evil.

Barry realises he might be able to travel in time and save his mum from death and his dad from prison. Batman tells him hey mate don't do that and he says nah it'll be fine and surprise surprise it's not fine. He saves his mum, but then he and himself exist at the same time after an evil flash bonks him (don't worry I know it's confusing).

Original Flash likes his little family but then New Flash comes along and he's like a total dick and really likes his stupid life with his mum but takes it for granted. Anyway, old Flash is like oh hey what a coincidence tonight is when I got my powers and if you don't get your powers I won't because he doesn't understand time travel.

So New Flash gets the powers but then Old Flash loses his, stupid shenanigans ensue. They then see a news thing that says oh man Zod is here and he's gonna do a big genocide, shame Superman doesn't exist to stop Kryptonian Hitler.

Old Flash then realises oh man the Justice League lads don't exist, I'll go find Batman. So they find Batman and it's Micheal Keaton as a grumpy old homeless man. Crime is gone in Gotham so he has no purpose. Because crime can totally be eradicated completely, the writers definitely understand criminology.

Anyway, for some reason Batman understands time travel and explains they've moved to a different plane of existence that means everything has changed both past and present. The movie later ignores this interpretation of time travel so don't pay too close attention.

Old Flash then decides to find Superman, they find a SuperGirl instead. She has the emotional capacity of a carrot.

New Flash is a big dick and there's NEARLY a good scene where Old Flash explains how he does not appreciate what he has but the movie blue balls us and the potential is ruined.

Anyway, the Flashes and Batman and Supergirl team up to kill Zod, bullshit ensues, New Flash tries to keep reversing time to ensure they win and everyone survives but becomes a monster and that destroys the multiverse.

We then cut to seeing other universes, in a disgustingly bad CGI nightmare, where we see Christopher Reeve (a man that killed himself for lots of reasons including depression at being typecast as Superman), he returns as Superman, Nicholas Cage fighting a big dumb spider (who cares?!), and other nonsense. It's a total fuckfest and looks crap.

Anyway, at least the film does have a core emotional lesson. The past matters in making us who we are, the film finally has a good moment, Barry has to say goodbye to his mum to fix everything. He emotionally has to put in motion the events that lead to her death, knowing that ultimately that's her fate for a reason. At least that was good.

OR WAS IT?!

Because Barry then decides hang on, if I put this can of tomatoes back in a different place, my dad will be exonerated of his crime! Huzzah! Fuck the lesson that the past matters, and makes us who we are!

And consequently, we see Batman again at the end but it's George Clooney. Cool. Whatever.

The movie fails to deliver on its one lesson, it's dumb, it's bad, it's boring, it's evil. An evil movie made for evil reasons to cash in on multiverse and nostalgia. I hate this movie more than anything in the world.

Also Ezra Miller is a bad person.

There's a pointless post credits sequence but who cares the DC universe is dead. Aquaman shows up. Yay?

Goodbye.

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