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Avatar 2: The Way of Being a Bit of a Bad Dad, Actually

 


Avatar is just not meant for me. It's not James Cameron's fault, it's no one's fault, I just am not the target audience for these movies.

Why? You might ask. Well, simply put, I fucking hate Pandora, and the Navi, and everything about this fictional world.

I hate the Navi's weird soulless eyes, their weirdly long torsos, their weird little thongs that hide their weird Navi dick and balls, I hate their big gross blue feet. I hate how weirdly thin they are and I hate how they use their weird hair dicks to plug into animals and trees and shit.

I hate Pandora, I think it looks well boring. To start this film Jake Sully is like look I have a sick life, I have cool weird hybrid kids and we all hunt here and I have a strange date night with me wife where we ride dragons or something. I just think I'd be so tired all the time, why can't you just sit and watch the telly in Pandora?

Ok any further and it's spoilers so I'm gonna say Avatar 2: The Wettest Boys in the World is a 6/10, it was decent but not for Dan.

WET SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE WATERIEST FILM OF THE YEAR

Okay so this film has the single most insane plot point ever and absolutely no one in the film gives a shit at all. The human lads hunt this whale and suck it's brain juice out and are like "this juice stops human aging and is worth $80 million, lol"

HANG ON, WHAT?!

IT STOPS HUMAN AGING?!

AND THAT IS ONLY WORTH $80 MILLION?!

The guy says this and the other dude is like "woah 80 mil no way sick". My brother in Christ it can keep you young and minty fresh forever if I could be 27 forever I'd do ANYTHING. There's no price that could come out of that dumb humans piehole that I wouldn't pay for the price of eternal young, sexy life. $80 mil is an absolute bargain and I'm cross this offer isn't real. I'd beg, cheat, steal, murder, do ANYTHING to get that money.

The rest of the movie is largely inconsequential by comparison, it all goes exactly like you think it will, the exact same human baddies are back but using Avatars from beyond the grave, they want to do selfish human shit and in particular do a big murder to Jake Sully.

In response to this, Jake Sully gets his family and runs off to a new waterworld, where they experience a bit of racism and one of his son's gets absolutely bricked up over one of the natives. I find all these monstrosities gross so I don't get it but good for him.

The baddie of the last film had a kid and that kid exists in this movie. I have so little to say about him, except WHY DID YOU SAVE YOUR DUMB AVATAR DAD JUST LET HIM DIE YOU NERD.

Sigourney Weaver is voicing a teenager (her own daughter) in this movie and it mostly works but sometimes I thought "hmm, that's not what a teenager sounds like". Oh and they discover she has epilepsy, which as someone with epilepsy, made me happy. Good representation watching this blue alien girl have a big seizure, and they also seems to suggest that epileptic seizures can lead to like some weird mental religious experience. I wish that was true, that would be sick.

I despise all the animals in Pandora and spent a lot of the movie wondering how they would taste. Like oh god I'd do ANYTHING to eat one of those birds. I'd cook it rotisserie style, with a little honey mustard and BBQ sauce? Forget about it.

Oh and by the way Jake Sully isn't a great Dad actually, so many times in this film he's like YOU SUCK SON, YOU ARE THE WORST SON EVER! And he never listens to any justification or anything and he's just so rude. The rudest Dad in all of Pandora in my opinion.

I'm forgetting and missing out a lot but this movie was ten years long so I might end up changing this review as I remember stuff, so, like all my reviews, make sure to re-read it every few months, and also sub to my OnlyDans.

Look forward to reviewing another of these films in 10 years or whatever.

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