You know I nearly broke my streak of seeing everything to not see this film.
I'm not going to pretend I'm some morally righteous person, I've seen films made by or involving worse people than JK Rowling.
That being said, this kinda sucks. She deserves a lot of credit for coming up with a fascinating world in Harry Potter, but let's be honest, the story within that amazing world is nothing exceptional.
For example, Quidditch as a sport makes 0 sense. The snitch is 150 points and ends the game? What's the point in all the other stuff then? Also you can just knock other players out with weapons? This game is dangerous and absurd and dumb! Just do a wizard version of footy or something!
And there's this weird relationship with sex and race and all this stuff that runs through these books. Rowling just took to Twitter and declared Dumbledore gay when people pointed out there are no gay people in this world, diversity is shoved in via weird and odd choices.
Cho Chang? Are you kidding me? That sounds like a name I'd make up if I was a white person with no understanding of Asian culture so just chose the most stereotypical name possible... Oh wait, that's what happened.
Also JK wrote in the spell that ruined her own series. The killing curse Adava Kadavra (I think that's how you spell it I don't know sorry nerds) completely ruins this world. It turns wands into guns, it's literally just pew pew pew! It murders all creativity and basically makes everything into different coloured lazers firing at each other. Boring.
I just realised I haven't spoke about the actual film yet, whoops. Probably because it's just boring. I honestly don't know what to say, I was bored, these characters aren't memorable at all.
JK clearly wrote out the lady that was openly pro-trans rights, that feels a bit petty.
She's a great world builder, can't knock that, but as a screenwriter? Awful.
2/10, this franchise has an icky feeling around it, they were mean to Johnny Depp, JK sucks. But worst of all, it's boring.
SPOILERS (I guess)
Okay I should actually talk about the movie.
So the main plot revolves around a deer that decides who is gonna be the president. It decides this by looking into your soul and seeing if you're a top bloke or not.
Two of these creature are born and I guess they're a bit rare, Gay Wizard Hitler kills one and then brings it back to life using mystery magic which will make it pledge it's allegiance to the monster mash in front of the whole graveyard smash.
Newt luckily has the other and they dick around a bit until he pulls it out his assistants bum at the end and the little stupid deer says Dumbledore is a sound bloke which shows this deer is wrong and stupid and maybe drunk.
Dumbledore sucks and he even says he sucks. In this movie he's like, I got pissed off and killed my sister, I also wanted to commit genocide with my boyfriend when I was younger. This stupid deer thinks this man is pure of heart. Oh and he basically raises Harry Potter to be slaughtered later in life so he doesn't stay a good bloke.
Fortunately for everyone there's a lovely lady that is also pure of heart so she's president. Dumbledore and Gay Wizard Hitler have a underwhelming scrap and then Grumblewald runs away.
There you go, that's it. Newt has a loser brother. This brother is an even bigger nerd and loser than Newt. They have an extremely long and drawn out prison escape sequence with a dumb scorpion threat. The little dancing scorpions made me think of that video with all the dancing crabs. (https://youtu.be/-50NdPawLVY)
They give Jacob a wand and Dumbledore genuinely treats him like humans treat dogs, like look at this stupid thing, it sucks but ooh it's a dog boy! He even gives him a stick and says it's a wand and he's so happy to have this useless stick it's so embarassing.
I don't get why they didn't just mirror the real life events, why not have Hitler and Grindlewalds rise to power perfectly mirror each other in stand of kinda mirror? Tie them together and have our heroes try but ultimately fail to stop World War Two, both in magic land and Muggle land. How cool would that be?
These three films should have mirrored World War Two, the first film being Grindlewald/Hitler rise to power, then the second film the first half of the war, with all looking lost in the real and wizarding world, then the third film being the allies and our heroes triumphing over evil.
But instead we got this.
It feels like it's about 5 hours long yet very little interesting happens. There's no fun to be had here.
A great example of how much Rowling sucks at writing is the shell game. The shell game is a classic game and when played in movies is so easy to do yet she messes it up. You give each of your ensemble cast a "shell" that is an identical copy, with only one having the real "shell" with the prize in it. You then eliminate each shell, building the dramatic tension until usually the least likely to succeed member of the cast emerges with the correct shell.
The only good thing they do with this whole game is having one of the cases have Quidditch stuff in, that's fun. But everything else sucks.
It's massively boring, and the prize shell completely disappears until way later. There's no exciting action in this, it's so boring to watch.
Damn this movie is frustrating, it's just so boring.
GIVE US A GAY KISS ON SCREEN YOU COWARDS I BET YOU WON'T!
I hated this and I hope this movie does so bad that they stop making these. It's over. Time for another magical franchise.
Peace out ✌️
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